The World's Most Niche Sympath

At the advertising agency where I work, we designed an ad for one of our clients products - in this case, one of those dreadful card making kits. Whilst waiting for a 3 gigabyte postscript file to PDF, I made this, the most niche sympathy card ever.
It's hard to say when a giant orbital cake would come crashing down from orbit, destroying an entire city, shortly after a rather flamboyant super villain had stolen the recipients balloons but when that day happens, who is going to be prepared:

ME.